Beer Friday! - Recession Special

Hello again folks, and welcome to a specially themed edition of Beer Friday! I've been in New Zealand for over 8 months now (!), and as I have not been working, my funds are starting to show signs of drying up. I will make it to the end of my time here without having to resort to nefarious means of money-making or dumpster-diving for food, but I am starting to feel the pinch (my trip to Australia did not help matters, but that is not likely to elicit any sympathy, as Australia was AWESOME). As such, I've passed on trips down to Castle MacAdam the past few weeks, and instead will be delving deep into my memory to review three beers that can be kindly described as "cheap" (but realistically described as "fit only for butt-chugging"). Read on for a (hopefully) humourous look at some of the lower-echelon beers this fine nation has to offer.


Double Brown
We start off with one of my first attempts at finding a decent discount beer for when I need a quick piss-up. Double Brown failed utterly and completely at fulfilling this need. At about $15 for a pack of 18 cans (or some such nonsense, it's been a long time since I dipped this low), "DoBro" certainly is a bargain. However, it is as likely to get you drunk as sparkling water, and tastes more or less the same. I brought my case along with me to the Long Beach Cave Party, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I polished off about 15 before giving up and going to bed, as sober as I was when I started. Double Brown, while cheap, barely qualifies as beer in my books.

Taste: None
Smell: See above
Suggested Food Pairing: Whatever goes well with water. Stale bread perhaps?
Suggested Slogan: "Double Brown, the perfect cure for a hungover Sunday! Why? Because it's water!

New Zealand Lager
As cheap beers go, NZL is pretty solid, Clocking in at about $20 for a dozen tall cans, it is a fantastic bang-for-buck option. AND, it doesn't even taste THAT BAD. In fact, it is fairly tolerable. If I were to attempt to describe the taste, it would be thusly: Picture sitting on your back deck on a warm summer night, when the desire for a nice, cold brew hits. You get up and wander to the fridge, grab a generic beer and take a nice long pull. The taste is just BEER. Nothing special, nothing crazy, just plain, everyday, run of the mill beer. And that's alright for me, and I write this blog, so bully for me.

Taste: Beer
Smell: Yes
Suggested Food Pairing: Any knock-off food brand - generic flavour matching success!
Suggested Slogan: For when you just want beer, choose New Zealand Lager. It's Beer!

Flame Beer
This is the truly bottom-of-the-barrel stuff. It's the beer that companies make with all the leftover, stale stuff that's been left in the vats. I don't remember how much it costs, because I've tried to suppress all memories associated with this devil's urine based concoction (if I end up on a therapist's couch at any point in my life, the memories of this beer will be what finally lead me to break down and collapse into a quivering pile of sobbing goo). I do remember that it's 5% ABV, which I guess is a positive, but beyond that...not much to offer. My favourite part of Flame Beer, however, is the dedication the company that brews it has given to marketing, quite obviously at the expense of, you know, creating something that doesn't taste like camel sweat. Along with the roaring fire imagery, the label claims it is "EXTREME BREWED" and "CRASH COOLED". Does anyone know what that means? Did they brew it on a SKATEBOARD? Are the vats UPSIDE DOWN? Brewed while breaking the sound barrier? EXTREME BREWED literally means nothing. The only thing EXTREME about this beer is the shame you feel when you take it to the counter to buy it. The girl behind the counter, while doing her best to hide it, is judging you. And it's not going well compadre.

Taste: how a red-headed stepchild would taste, if turned into an alcoholic beverage
Smell: Disappointment and homeless dudes
Suggested Food Pairing: Anything to mask the flavour. A raw onion perhaps?
Suggested Slogan: We've not trying here, so why should you?

And there we go, not the normal, high-falutin fare you're used to here on Beer Friday!, but I can't live the Charlemagne lifestyle every week. Hope you enjoyed, and if you've learned anything, I hope it's that anyone who offers you a Flame Beer deserves a punch in the mouth. Cheers!